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sometimes being old and having one's priorities kind of clear is a bitch and a half.

my cat is really sick. really really, probably in a lot of pain and has been for months and i was too daft to notice and very well could die, sick. tomorrow we'll know more because she's getting an ultrasound and her bloodwork will be in so we'll have more clues, but they might have to go in and TAKE A PIECE OF HER LIVER OMG and she still isn't eating or drinking water.

my problem is that i never quite... Scully the cat and I have had our ups and downs. i adopted her when I was in college and it was probably the biggest mistake i've made in my life so far, apart from getting an utterly useless art degree. damn encouraging parents. anyway, yeah. so going to the vet made me feel really relieved, but still very guilty, but not particularly distressed about my cat dying. what the fuck, self? aren't you supposed to feel sadness about this?

well so it's about 10 hours later and i was trying to pet her but she doesn't want me to touch her - the vet said that she was so dehydrated that it's probably causing a lot of sensitivity, and he gave her fluids and all and i think they helped a bit at first but they've probably all been soaked in, or whatever it is, and she's not drinking water... in fact, i'm gonna go hook up the SUPER ANNOYING cat fountain...


Oh thank god, so I went to hook up the fountain and she didn't even perk up from her perch by the window to look at it, but I brought her my wet fingers and she licked them. Which is a change from before. So then I brought a glass of water so I could keep dipping my fingers for her, but after two of those she became interested in the glass of water, and actually stuck her head in it! So her head is big and she couldnt fit, so i went and filled it up more and she started to drink out of the glass! But after a little she became disinterested and it was obviously a bit too much effort for her to be sitting up and not lying down... so I got her usual water bowl and brought it to her and put it by the window ledge and of her own volition she had, not a good long drink, but definitely more water than she's been drinking at all lately, and i think she's maybe gotten the idea that drinking water will make her feel a little better... hopefully. so I've left her fountain and the bowl and the full glass of water in case she thinks drinking from a glass is more exciting or something because it's illicit...

anyway i had a point.

So my cat is probably dying. And I'm not particularly sad about it, as long as I'm doing what I can for her. It's like, so it goes. Cats die. And this cat, she was a trial. But I was trying to pet her, and I said to her "Scully, you just have to hold out until tomorrow, and then we'll know if you're really dying or not. And even if you're dying, no matter what, you'll be okay, because we'll get you on good kitty drugs. And you will feel good, so much better than you do now, no matter what, because you are a cat and little and it will be okay." and i just started tearing up, and just typing that again has made me cry again.

so i guess i care about my cat and stuff.

but then i went and skimmed my tumblr. and some lovely young people are reblogging those pictures of bradley james i posted, which is fun. so I skimmed through one of their tumblrs and a few pages back it said:

Whenever I get all sad and things and life throws me a bad day, I just have to remember that in series 4, Arthur embraces Merlin.

And there was a smiley merlin gif and everything.

And i'm like, you know? You know what? That doesn't work for me anymore.

I mean, if anything I'm MORE ensconced in my fantasy worlds than I ever was back when that sort of thing really was a mood elevator. I'm MORE wrapped up in fandom stuff and my own mental spaces. But I guess I'm just... IDK. I've learned to completely detach from these things. Yeah, as I'm watching the show I'm sure I'll be doubled over in glee. But knowing about the possibility of this happening in the future isn't doing it for me at all anymore.

Like when I found out Sam and Freddie were gonna kiss for the first time I seriously ran through my house and shouted about it gleefully to my roommates who had no fucking clue what i was on about. And i walked on air for months after i finally watched the x-files arc where mulder and scully have all the sex and things. And i don't know, my various otps over the years have been fairly on-point so it's not THAT unusual an occurrence. Not that I'm saying Merlin and Arthur are going to have big gay medieval sex or anything, but hopefully their bromance will come to the fore a bit more and hooray and all that.

but anyway in years past i would be able to think "yes, my show is very entertaining and let me lose myself in it for a while and i'll come out feeling better!" but now it's just... yes, i can go do nerdy fandomy things for a while, and i can feel happy and pleased and amused and distracted, but even if bradley james personally flew into seattle to squire me and my cat to the vet's office and let me grab his bum, i don't think it would make my life better. i still need a job with twice as many hours, i still need friends, i still need my cat to not be in horrible pain... and arthur pendragon can't fix that.

i guess just, being so involved with my interior self as i am, i forget about the exterior a lot, but slowly slowly adulthood is creeping up on me, and it's really a bitch and a half that i can't medicate my emotions and my life problems with silly tv shows anymore.

the weirdest thing of all is how sort of zen i feel like i'm being about, well, my entire fucking farce of a life right now. i was watching one of those food network cupcake competition shows tonight in the background while trying to deal with the cat and the cleaning and the whatever else. and everyone on the show was so INTENSE. like, yes, i get that this could be a big deal for you and your business, but if i were on that kind of show, frankly they wouldn't want me on it because i'd just be like "so it goes." i feel like i'm so used to doing nothing and not being proactive about my life that i've simultaneously gotten used to nothing good happening either.

life's a bitch.

Comments

mizufae
Jun. 8th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
oh, haha, i sort of forgot you don't know me very well.

i don't think being a house-wife is inherently non-feminist either. it's just that in order to BE one, the fact is that in this society and this age, you have to compromise a lot of things. I haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS, let alone a girlfriend, and making a family is just inviting a whole host of really difficult things into my life. Things that i dislike, like say, "dating", or "flirting", and things that are cans of worms i dont want to open, like say, "adopting a baby with two mommies" and "grandma, i'm halfway gay, FYI."

the shoe design thing... well i've said that for like 15 years now. if i keep posting on LJ again you'll get to know more about this i suppose...

and for the feeeeelings: i've dealt with episodic depression my entire life. I'm a lot more evenly keeled right now than i have been in the past. I actually am not having a depressive episode at the moment - in fact i think i'm a lot happier than normal, for a variety of reasons. It's starting to get warm and sunny and I feel like i can handle some stuff i couldnt before and while i'm not happy about who i am and how i look and all that i feel like i definitely have the power to change that if and when i want to. the thing is that with me, i always have to allow myself space and time to be sad. I think being sad is really intrinsically linked to being happy, for me. If i can deal with these sorts of thoughts and ways of being in a healthy, measured way, then i know that i can sidestep the suicidal thoughts or the self defeating ones with a lot more applomb.
flammablehat
Jun. 8th, 2011 10:55 pm (UTC)
Hee, sorry. I have a bad habit of responding to things as I perceive them...which often makes me worry I come off as this awful know-it-all nag, ughhh. That being said, I sympathize. You're at least a step ahead of the game by knowing what you want, though, yeah?

i always have to allow myself space and time to be sad. I think being sad is really intrinsically linked to being happy, for me.

This makes sense to me. I know so many people who try to varnish over the negative or punish themselves when they feel negative things or express those feelings and make a point to talk about why they shouldn't have them, and it just seems counterproductive. Not only is it a weird form of dishonesty (with the self, anyway), it also just seems to compound the issue. The sad or angry or what-have-you things aren't being given the chance to air out and settle, and on top of that it's just layers of guilt or repression or some combination thereof. Probably better to just accept the reality of sadness/etc., sometimes. You seem to know yourself and your own emotions well, though. And like GI Joe says - knowing is half the battle! ^^