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sometimes being old and having one's priorities kind of clear is a bitch and a half.

my cat is really sick. really really, probably in a lot of pain and has been for months and i was too daft to notice and very well could die, sick. tomorrow we'll know more because she's getting an ultrasound and her bloodwork will be in so we'll have more clues, but they might have to go in and TAKE A PIECE OF HER LIVER OMG and she still isn't eating or drinking water.

my problem is that i never quite... Scully the cat and I have had our ups and downs. i adopted her when I was in college and it was probably the biggest mistake i've made in my life so far, apart from getting an utterly useless art degree. damn encouraging parents. anyway, yeah. so going to the vet made me feel really relieved, but still very guilty, but not particularly distressed about my cat dying. what the fuck, self? aren't you supposed to feel sadness about this?

well so it's about 10 hours later and i was trying to pet her but she doesn't want me to touch her - the vet said that she was so dehydrated that it's probably causing a lot of sensitivity, and he gave her fluids and all and i think they helped a bit at first but they've probably all been soaked in, or whatever it is, and she's not drinking water... in fact, i'm gonna go hook up the SUPER ANNOYING cat fountain...

Oh thank god, so I went to hook up the fountain and she didn't even perk up from her perch by the window to look at it, but I brought her my wet fingers and she licked them. Which is a change from before. So then I brought a glass of water so I could keep dipping my fingers for her, but after two of those she became interested in the glass of water, and actually stuck her head in it! So her head is big and she couldnt fit, so i went and filled it up more and she started to drink out of the glass! But after a little she became disinterested and it was obviously a bit too much effort for her to be sitting up and not lying down... so I got her usual water bowl and brought it to her and put it by the window ledge and of her own volition she had, not a good long drink, but definitely more water than she's been drinking at all lately, and i think she's maybe gotten the idea that drinking water will make her feel a little better... hopefully. so I've left her fountain and the bowl and the full glass of water in case she thinks drinking from a glass is more exciting or something because it's illicit...

anyway i had a point.

So my cat is probably dying. And I'm not particularly sad about it, as long as I'm doing what I can for her. It's like, so it goes. Cats die. And this cat, she was a trial. But I was trying to pet her, and I said to her "Scully, you just have to hold out until tomorrow, and then we'll know if you're really dying or not. And even if you're dying, no matter what, you'll be okay, because we'll get you on good kitty drugs. And you will feel good, so much better than you do now, no matter what, because you are a cat and little and it will be okay." and i just started tearing up, and just typing that again has made me cry again.

so i guess i care about my cat and stuff.

but then i went and skimmed my tumblr. and some lovely young people are reblogging those pictures of bradley james i posted, which is fun. so I skimmed through one of their tumblrs and a few pages back it said:

Whenever I get all sad and things and life throws me a bad day, I just have to remember that in series 4, Arthur embraces Merlin.

And there was a smiley merlin gif and everything.

And i'm like, you know? You know what? That doesn't work for me anymore.

I mean, if anything I'm MORE ensconced in my fantasy worlds than I ever was back when that sort of thing really was a mood elevator. I'm MORE wrapped up in fandom stuff and my own mental spaces. But I guess I'm just... IDK. I've learned to completely detach from these things. Yeah, as I'm watching the show I'm sure I'll be doubled over in glee. But knowing about the possibility of this happening in the future isn't doing it for me at all anymore.

Like when I found out Sam and Freddie were gonna kiss for the first time I seriously ran through my house and shouted about it gleefully to my roommates who had no fucking clue what i was on about. And i walked on air for months after i finally watched the x-files arc where mulder and scully have all the sex and things. And i don't know, my various otps over the years have been fairly on-point so it's not THAT unusual an occurrence. Not that I'm saying Merlin and Arthur are going to have big gay medieval sex or anything, but hopefully their bromance will come to the fore a bit more and hooray and all that.

but anyway in years past i would be able to think "yes, my show is very entertaining and let me lose myself in it for a while and i'll come out feeling better!" but now it's just... yes, i can go do nerdy fandomy things for a while, and i can feel happy and pleased and amused and distracted, but even if bradley james personally flew into seattle to squire me and my cat to the vet's office and let me grab his bum, i don't think it would make my life better. i still need a job with twice as many hours, i still need friends, i still need my cat to not be in horrible pain... and arthur pendragon can't fix that.

i guess just, being so involved with my interior self as i am, i forget about the exterior a lot, but slowly slowly adulthood is creeping up on me, and it's really a bitch and a half that i can't medicate my emotions and my life problems with silly tv shows anymore.

the weirdest thing of all is how sort of zen i feel like i'm being about, well, my entire fucking farce of a life right now. i was watching one of those food network cupcake competition shows tonight in the background while trying to deal with the cat and the cleaning and the whatever else. and everyone on the show was so INTENSE. like, yes, i get that this could be a big deal for you and your business, but if i were on that kind of show, frankly they wouldn't want me on it because i'd just be like "so it goes." i feel like i'm so used to doing nothing and not being proactive about my life that i've simultaneously gotten used to nothing good happening either.

life's a bitch.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:56 am (UTC)
I don't know wha tto say to this except that it just makes me want to complain about my life and where I am and I feel that is not appropriate.

This is mostly because I have no adult advice, ever. I have no idea what it's like to be an adult.

However, I can say I'm totes sorry girl, about your cat and about adulthood.
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:57 am (UTC)

you can complain about your life if you want. this is livejournal, where 14 year old goth girls come to write poetry and whine.
Jun. 8th, 2011 12:59 pm (UTC)
I don't know if it helps, but I feel like I could've written this post myself, word-for-word, down to even the cat issues. :-/ I do love my London-pants, but all the same I discovered I'm pretty exclusively a dog person about a month after I'd gotten a cat, so. I hope your kitty feels better, though! *sends catnip thoughts*

If you don't mind my asking - what would you ideally like to be doing, career-wise? In a 'if I had all the money/resources/connections in the world' kind of hypothetical sense?
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
you know, it's horrible but i think i'd make a damn good matriarch. as in, house-wife. It's really a smack to my revolutionary feminist thing i have going on but seriously? I want to have kids and enjoy the world with them.

Also, i mean, costume designer for cirque du soleil. Shoe designer. Studio artist. Novel writer. Script writer for tv shows. Ummmmmm my problem is that my priorities aren't right for ANY of these things, even the being a mom one. Right now I do quality check and editing on subtitles for a variety of simulcast animes. I'm good at it but there's not enough work for me.
Jun. 8th, 2011 09:04 pm (UTC)
I don't personally believe that there's anything inherently non-feminist in being a house-wife/matriarch. I always thought feminism was more about expanding the ability of women to determine for themselves what their lives should look like. What you decide to do with your life is less important than the fact that you have (relatively) limitless choices to pick from and that you make those choices consciously, of your own volition. To take issue with the content of another person's choice is just as restrictive as saying they don't have that option in the first place. I think, anyway.

Also HOLY SHIT shoe designer? For real? Okay, no joke, my mom and I have been planning on starting our own shoe design thing forever. Right now she designs kitchens and I sell custom hardware, but we're starting up an idea portfolio and researching the industry and yeah. Dude, I'm so there with you.

Back on topic - I can't say for sure but I think I know the feeling. :( Are you feeling, like...apathetic about the things you normally enjoy/get inspired by/are interested in?
Jun. 8th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
oh, haha, i sort of forgot you don't know me very well.

i don't think being a house-wife is inherently non-feminist either. it's just that in order to BE one, the fact is that in this society and this age, you have to compromise a lot of things. I haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS, let alone a girlfriend, and making a family is just inviting a whole host of really difficult things into my life. Things that i dislike, like say, "dating", or "flirting", and things that are cans of worms i dont want to open, like say, "adopting a baby with two mommies" and "grandma, i'm halfway gay, FYI."

the shoe design thing... well i've said that for like 15 years now. if i keep posting on LJ again you'll get to know more about this i suppose...

and for the feeeeelings: i've dealt with episodic depression my entire life. I'm a lot more evenly keeled right now than i have been in the past. I actually am not having a depressive episode at the moment - in fact i think i'm a lot happier than normal, for a variety of reasons. It's starting to get warm and sunny and I feel like i can handle some stuff i couldnt before and while i'm not happy about who i am and how i look and all that i feel like i definitely have the power to change that if and when i want to. the thing is that with me, i always have to allow myself space and time to be sad. I think being sad is really intrinsically linked to being happy, for me. If i can deal with these sorts of thoughts and ways of being in a healthy, measured way, then i know that i can sidestep the suicidal thoughts or the self defeating ones with a lot more applomb.
Jun. 8th, 2011 10:55 pm (UTC)
Hee, sorry. I have a bad habit of responding to things as I perceive them...which often makes me worry I come off as this awful know-it-all nag, ughhh. That being said, I sympathize. You're at least a step ahead of the game by knowing what you want, though, yeah?

i always have to allow myself space and time to be sad. I think being sad is really intrinsically linked to being happy, for me.

This makes sense to me. I know so many people who try to varnish over the negative or punish themselves when they feel negative things or express those feelings and make a point to talk about why they shouldn't have them, and it just seems counterproductive. Not only is it a weird form of dishonesty (with the self, anyway), it also just seems to compound the issue. The sad or angry or what-have-you things aren't being given the chance to air out and settle, and on top of that it's just layers of guilt or repression or some combination thereof. Probably better to just accept the reality of sadness/etc., sometimes. You seem to know yourself and your own emotions well, though. And like GI Joe says - knowing is half the battle! ^^
Jun. 8th, 2011 02:31 pm (UTC)
I...feel you. On the degree thing, and also on adulthood, which continues to make no sense to me. It is damned depressing though. I have a ton of 20K+ fic ideas but, really, what is the point now of escaping into fanfic? I need to get a job, or at least write something I can try to sell.

I hope Scully pulls through.
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:13 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure that all adults feel like this at least some of the time. Childhood and adulthood and all the stages in between and after are completely nebulous now. Before, people only put down thoughts like this in private letters or diaries. Now it's freely available online from millions of people. I think that life is just a series of bumbling one's way through things. There are a few people now and again who know what they're doing, but I think it's a LOT more rare than society would like us to think. And the pleasant delusions of fiction contribute to that.
Jun. 8th, 2011 03:39 pm (UTC)
i know how you feel sweetie. sometimes there is just too much going on added into really growing up to be that cheered up by your fandom loves. and that's okay, it's just part of life. the good thing about what you like, though, is that it's always there, and sometimes it really does help. for me it depends on my mood, what's going on irl, things as such. but i do hope no matter what the cause, you do feel awesome soon, and that your kitty will pull through and be alright. <3
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC)
thanks honeybutt.

thing of it is there ISN'T that much going on for me. my life is really really simple these days. it's not on the right track exactly but it's at least not full of stress-causing crap.

my point that i got kind of distracted from was that i just don't have that childish pleasure anymore that fandom gave me back when i was 14. and that's good. i mean, it would be bad if, at nearly 27, i still was utterly transported by, say, sailor mercury showing up to usagi-chan. i can be pleased and have nostalgia, but being so crazy about things like that, at my age and my perspective (one that's very very... meta, i suppose) would be indicative of a lot more bad things in my life and brain than i have.

I'm not saying this right...

You know how in every fandom there's that Weird Old Dude? Who's like, TOO INTO IT? I'm NOT that person. And that's something to be happy about!

But the problem is that, not being that person has the annoying bitchy issue that i'm just not as easily made super happy about fandom stuff anymore, and i need to get my jollies in other ways. And I don't know these other ways! I'm like a smoker who would be moving up to chain smoking but knows better and instead cigarettes just don't mellow them anymore. That's an awfully stretched simile, but it holds.
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:29 pm (UTC)
oh yeah. being that weird old dude is not a good thing and indicates some issues, so it's okay. but i understand that need to have something that'll make you really, really ecstatic as much as the fandoms used to.

it's hard to find those other happy-inducers when you're not sure where to start, but i know you'll find something that makes you feel really great. try and see if there are things you've never tried and test them out :3
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:40 pm (UTC)
crazy sex orgies!

....or maybe crochet.
Jun. 8th, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC)
a considerable option!

...and ya know, crochet is nice too. it was a lot of fun last time i did it, actually!
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )