Mizu (mizufae) wrote,

In which I am an attention whore.

Seriously, people? Nobody liked Inanna except one person? And that one person is such a fangirl of mine that she basically got a LJ exclusively to comment on my LJ (at first, and srsly, no offense to you, sweetpea ILU and all but you are but a drop in the bucket of people whose opinions I really respect and whose attention I would love to grab for about 20 seconds of their day) and omgawd.

Nobody "liked" it on tumblr, not that I have many followers there but my past posting have steadily gotten one or two "likes" from the same people and they DIDNT like Inanna. And I have it set up to announce a new post on my twitter and I have over 100 followers there, too. And and and.

What gets to me is that I've been doing this "drawing or graphics thing a day" for a short time now but it's been a LOT harder than it seems. I never have a good idea and when I do I'm just PILED on by a bunch of awfulness because I suddenly realize how much my skills have atrophied since I was in college, and how much I could NEVER do. Being an artist on the inside is basically an eternal struggle between having a crystal perfect idea in your head and the physical skill-based and sometimes material-based forces that keep you from giving that concept fruition. I grew up with two best friends who were AMAZING artists and I never felt adequate, so I just gave them all of my ideas and left them to it, and any natural talents I may have had atrophied until college.

Anyway, the Raj & Howard wallpapers were really fun, like a breath of inspiration and air after a few days of shitty shitty unskilled crap, and gave me a boost, but they TOTALLY DIDNT COUNT. Because they're fanart, and though they may have some originality in them they're still *fanworks* and that's not something from my insides, you know? You don't know. I'll write a rambly post on it sometime in the future. Anyway it's not that they don't have value, because they TOTALLY DO, but it's more like, they were something I'm good at, something I'm comfortable doing, and the point of the draw-a-day was to push myself a little and force myself to confront the edges of my comfort zone.

So then, I churned out this Inanna thing and I just LOVED IT. It looks a lot closer to the stuff I draw when I'm doing things on paper with pen, and it's such amazing colors and I was really proud of the whole thing! And it just flops flops flops. WHY? Seriously, seriously, I'm scrolling through the stuff I've made in the past and what gets comments and what doesnt and the stuff that sticks out to me as absolutely the best and most deserving of attention or commentary (I'm not even talking about praise, here) gets less than or at best the average amount of it. What the hell. Are my aesthetics just that far off the mark?

I'm a whiny fuckface for this, I know. But I just think it's SO FREAKING PRETTY and COOL LOOKING and the background texture is absolutely dreamy and blah blah blah. And yet... nuthin'. Teach me to be original. Harrumph.

I have this sort of on my mind lately because of Metafilter taking away the display of Favorite counts on their comments for the month of November. I sort of got into a huff about it, commenting in the metatalk thread and baring a bit of my soul. And I always read people bitching about other people demanding comments, or complaining about if they dont get so and so many reviews on their fic they will NEVER WRITE AGAIN or yacketysmackety.

Like, seriously. I LOVE ATTENTION. I want people to acknowledge me! I want people to like me! I want people to "favorite" my comments on metafilter and I want people to "like" my posts on tumblr and I want people to RT or @ me on twitter and I want people to leave me comments on my LJ! Is that WRONG all of a sudden? Like, I certainly don't give a fuck about people paying attention to me when I'm not doing anything interesting. But I have 115 LJ friends and I make public entries, and when I post an entry that starts off with a brightly colored and in my opinion beautiful piece of FUN art, I expect people to *notice* this. And maybe say "Woah bright colors!" or "hurfdurf is she naked?" or "I like your textures!" or "I see the Gloaming is back again" or "Inanna was actually the goddess of blah blah blah blah and she should have WINGS you troglodyte" or "this totally reminds me of that episode of Popular Sci Fi Show where Things Happens" AND ETC ETC ETC

See? Like, comments. I Enjoy them! I want ATTENTION. God dammit, I'm going to SAY IT because i'm not too cool for that. I'm a human being like everyone else (except for the typing cats) and I want to be noticed when I do things I think are deserving of notice.

Basically I guess I should either stick to fandom on my LJ or STFU. But I've got an entrenched social net here and a pretty big investment of time and attention that I do NOT want to reiterate in other, less proven, more fleeting social and multimedia networks.

Ugh. Sorry. You know that in every Creative's grown body is a tiny girl in a glittery dress screaming "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!" right? Sometimes you gotta let her out.


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