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Dear Internet,

I am about to leave for Maine. Back on Sunday, as usual. However, before I go, I would like to lodge a formal complaint against the Universe, for which I hear you are an intermediary.

Yesterday, I bought bras. I went in, wearing a 36 D. I came out, having purchased bras in the size of 36E! Which is a half size bigger than DD. I did not go down in band size, however, which is the norm for adult life cup size increase. Each bra cost me SEVENTY DOLLARS. This is entirely *acceptable* in today's society. My complaint is as follows:

It is entirely unacceptable to curse a five foot tall woman with breasts that are individually the size of her own head, a head that already is disproportionately large to her body. They cause me no end of fashion, health, and social grief. And now, now that I have figured out my new size? I have to shop in the *fat lady* section, land of yards of taupe elasticized lace. If I don't want to strap down my breasts with bras befitting women in their seventies named Olga from the Old Country, I have to spend HUNDREDS of dollars on *three* bras. Money that *I* do not have, because I have been unemployed for an ENTIRE YEAR. If I were to ever be in the position to take off my top in front of a romantic partner, I have the completely unfair choice of going cold broke on heavy hydraulics systems for my bosom, or presenting them with a view that is about as sexually alluring as pandas copulating in a pile of ecru spandex.

In conclusion, I feel that the universe owes me monetary reparations for the burden of my breasts. Imagine when I get pregnant! The only form of clothing that will get over my chest will be the ever so stylish mumu. My life is cursed, and these blobs of tissue on my chest are one of the various physical manifestations. I demand immediate and thorough recuperation of the many monetary, social, and emotional losses my breasts have caused me throughout my life.

Sincerely,

Sarah "Tits McGee" Pinansky.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
littlebunny777
Apr. 16th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
I would convey my condolences, but I'm too busy bouncing on a trampoline with no bra on! Wheeee! :D
nightsinger
Apr. 16th, 2009 11:23 pm (UTC)
I'm a 32DDD/E myself, so I hear you.

Might I recommend...

www.figleaves.com
www.bravissimo.com
www.nordstrom.com

They're still going to be pricey, but you damn well CAN find cute, attractive, sexy bras in sizes that actually fit. You're not doomed to granny bras.
xalolo
Apr. 16th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC)
See but if you design steampunk bras, you could totally sell them to others, as well. Build a factory, even!
littlebunny777
Apr. 17th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
Wow, that would actually be pretty cool! It could run on steam! And your boobies would hiss and spurt puffs of smoke and it would be awesome.
xalolo
Apr. 17th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure the means for conquering the world are contained someplace within this idea.
diplobrat
Apr. 17th, 2009 09:43 am (UTC)
The quickest way to reducing breast size is to work out. So stop whining and get your boobies to the gym!
dr0oly
Apr. 17th, 2009 11:29 am (UTC)
All the girls I know need a breast reduction. I attract only the bustiest of bitchuz
cheskie
Apr. 18th, 2009 03:01 am (UTC)
ah, so that's why you're not online.
anyhoo:

boobylicious |boōblˈi sh əs|
adjective
magnificently large breasts

ORIGIN early 21st cent.: used to describe Sarah Pinansky

....i made a new word just for you. ^_^
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )